What's Love Got To Do With It...
Happy Valentine's Day! I know some people love it and some people hate it, but I'm on the happy side of the fence with the first crowd: What's nicer than an opportunity to share a little love? When I was single, my mom would send me care packages of silly pj's and other cute girly gifts, and those V-days were as happy as the ones I have now with my fiance.
This year, my favorite Valentine came in the form of an email from a friend. She offered a quote from Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh that reads:
Nothing is more beautiful than true love. In true love we don't make each other worry, suffer, or get angry. On the contrary, we have the ability to offer joy and reduce suffering in our loved one. Because of understanding, we know how to love, and we don't rob the joy, the appreciation, the inspiration of our loved one; we don't force our loved one to think like we think, to act like we act, to like the things that we like, but we let our loved one maintain herself. In true love there is no discrimination. In true love we always think of ways to help our loved one to carry out their dream, their aspiration. And the other person will equally support us in that way. Our love will not be limited or prohibited by any religion or theology. When we have happiness in our love, we have the ability to create happiness for other people. That love can be developed to embrace all human beings, it can keep growing endlessly so that one day it can embrace the whole universe. In Buddhism this love is called love without boundaries.
As the date of my wedding is fast approaching, I'm seriously considering wisdom like this. What it means to be a good partner, a good lover, a good friend. My fiance went to Hong Kong recently for a month, for business. Being away from him that long was such a test of how I love: I wanted to support him on his adventure, but I also felt strong needs of my own. I tried to turn my longing into something I could give him, so every day I wrote him a poem and sent him a photo. This helped feed us both.
One of the many photos I emailed to Jeffrey while he was in Hong Kong
I'm not an expert on love, at least not any more than other young women out there who have been through blissful periods followed by heartache. We're all on the same path of trying to still listen to and honor ourselves while at the same time loving another. Marriage is a new adventure for me, and I'm both excited and terrified--excited to have a committed partner to support me, delight in me, and build a family with me, but terrified that we'll make mistakes and experience hurt. Which. We will. I think the more I can learn to love selflessly rather than selfishly, the more I will be giving true love to my fiance rather than loving him for what I want out of it.
But at the same time, I talk so much in my work about self-love. So what's the difference between self-love and selfish-love? Where do we draw the line?
I think self-love means respecting yourself enough to trust yourself enough to love others (mothers, partners, friends) graciously and generously. The better I can care for myself with pure and good intentions, the better I'll be able to give to my fiance and family in a pure-hearted way. But if I don't take care of myself, if I don't practice self-love,, then my own stores will be empty and I'll be hungry-hearted and looking to others in my life to give that to myself.
Am I writing in circles!? I think you get the point.
On my long road of recovery from my eating disorder, the concept of self-love and self-nurturing came up repeatedly. I mean again, and again, and again. And then one more time. And so on. Why is it so difficult to give ourselves what we truly need? What we crave, what we long for? Why do we instead demand unreasonable things from our loved ones (drop everything you're doing to tend to me right now) if we can't even do the same thing for ourselves?
I'm inspired by this idea of loving selflessly, of loving my fiance in a way that helps support him in making his dreams come true. Because I believe in doing this for myself, too. Supporting myself in a way that helps me make my dreams come true.
I'm not here to tread lightly or hide in the corners. I'm not here to do what everyone expects of me. I'm here with passion and love and I want to share it: with my lover, and with myself.
This year, my favorite Valentine came in the form of an email from a friend. She offered a quote from Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh that reads:
Nothing is more beautiful than true love. In true love we don't make each other worry, suffer, or get angry. On the contrary, we have the ability to offer joy and reduce suffering in our loved one. Because of understanding, we know how to love, and we don't rob the joy, the appreciation, the inspiration of our loved one; we don't force our loved one to think like we think, to act like we act, to like the things that we like, but we let our loved one maintain herself. In true love there is no discrimination. In true love we always think of ways to help our loved one to carry out their dream, their aspiration. And the other person will equally support us in that way. Our love will not be limited or prohibited by any religion or theology. When we have happiness in our love, we have the ability to create happiness for other people. That love can be developed to embrace all human beings, it can keep growing endlessly so that one day it can embrace the whole universe. In Buddhism this love is called love without boundaries.
As the date of my wedding is fast approaching, I'm seriously considering wisdom like this. What it means to be a good partner, a good lover, a good friend. My fiance went to Hong Kong recently for a month, for business. Being away from him that long was such a test of how I love: I wanted to support him on his adventure, but I also felt strong needs of my own. I tried to turn my longing into something I could give him, so every day I wrote him a poem and sent him a photo. This helped feed us both.
One of the many photos I emailed to Jeffrey while he was in Hong KongI'm not an expert on love, at least not any more than other young women out there who have been through blissful periods followed by heartache. We're all on the same path of trying to still listen to and honor ourselves while at the same time loving another. Marriage is a new adventure for me, and I'm both excited and terrified--excited to have a committed partner to support me, delight in me, and build a family with me, but terrified that we'll make mistakes and experience hurt. Which. We will. I think the more I can learn to love selflessly rather than selfishly, the more I will be giving true love to my fiance rather than loving him for what I want out of it.
But at the same time, I talk so much in my work about self-love. So what's the difference between self-love and selfish-love? Where do we draw the line?
I think self-love means respecting yourself enough to trust yourself enough to love others (mothers, partners, friends) graciously and generously. The better I can care for myself with pure and good intentions, the better I'll be able to give to my fiance and family in a pure-hearted way. But if I don't take care of myself, if I don't practice self-love,, then my own stores will be empty and I'll be hungry-hearted and looking to others in my life to give that to myself.
Am I writing in circles!? I think you get the point.
On my long road of recovery from my eating disorder, the concept of self-love and self-nurturing came up repeatedly. I mean again, and again, and again. And then one more time. And so on. Why is it so difficult to give ourselves what we truly need? What we crave, what we long for? Why do we instead demand unreasonable things from our loved ones (drop everything you're doing to tend to me right now) if we can't even do the same thing for ourselves?
I'm inspired by this idea of loving selflessly, of loving my fiance in a way that helps support him in making his dreams come true. Because I believe in doing this for myself, too. Supporting myself in a way that helps me make my dreams come true.
I'm not here to tread lightly or hide in the corners. I'm not here to do what everyone expects of me. I'm here with passion and love and I want to share it: with my lover, and with myself.
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