Pregnancy and Comparison

So, I work with eating disorders. I educate groups of young people about fostering positive body image in their communities. I am passionate about this work; I believe in empowering individuals that their bodies are beautiful just as they are, and I encourage women and girls to avoid comparing their bodies to other people's bodies: celebrities, friends, family members, strangers on the street, etc. I believe this often leads us to doubt our own natural shape and size, and that doubt can lead to all sorts of yucky feels and unhealthy behaviors.

So, this is my work, and this is my passion. And now I'm 25 weeks pregnant and making all the mistakes I teach other people not to make! It seems that all I can do is compare my belly to other pregnant women's bellies, and the verdict is: I am huge. I see women in yoga class who tell me they're about as far along as I am, and I'm twice as big. I meet women in the drugstore who want to know when I'm due, and their eyes widen when they ask me, "Are you sure you're not having twins??" I have been asked this question more times than I can count. I'm dreaming it at night: twins. The fact is, I'm not having twins. I know this for a fact, thanks to technology. And I have no idea why my belly is so big. But more importantly, why do I care?

Opening adorable baby gifts at a shower in Virginia last weekend

In fact, I'm so used to hearing other people tell me how enormous my belly is that I've started saying it first, before they have a chance. I ran into a woman the other day who is also pregnant (and smaller than I am, yes) and just started calling out, "I'm huge! Wow! Look how huge I am!" Then I went home and wrote her an email apologizing. I should know better! And I should.

The fact is--big or small, size doesn't define beauty. And this I do know. My husband tells me twenty times a day how beautiful I am. He loves my round belly, and he especially loves knowing his little baby girl is growing safely inside there. He reassures me about this fact almost constantly, and for that I am very grateful.

You know, some days I feel adorable. I've gotten into dressing to show off my tummy, and I love going to yoga class in tight clothes with half my belly poking out beneath my shirt. Most of the time I enjoy the smiles and attention from strangers who tell me I look like I'm glowing, and ask if it's a girl or a boy. But being around other pregnant woman, I'm struggling with comparison. Like at the OB last week, in the waiting room. Shouldn't I feel at ease with a room full of round-bellied women? Instead I felt...a touch self-conscious.

You know what's even worse? The books. The dreaded pregnancy books that are written to help me feel safe and confident with all the stages of pregnancy. While well-intended I'm sure, it seems that every other page mentions the correct amount of weight to gain, and some of the most popular books even warn against gaining too much weight if you want to be sure (gasp! oh no!) you lose it all post-partum. Let it be known that I put aside all of these books sometime late in the first trimester--I may feel a little insecure when I see other pregnant women, but I know my body very well. And I trust it. It knows what it wants to eat, when it wants to eat, and how much it wants to eat. I don't worry about weight gain.

Alas, despite all the knowledge I have, and all the years of work that went into developing my own positive body image, I too am susceptible to self-doubt. Pregnancy is a new experience, and every day I encounter some physical change that I didn't expect. It's pretty cool actually--I feel like I'm going through a right of passage of womanhood and I know there's no looking back from this point forward. I'm grateful for my new mama-body: bigger boobs, rounder hips and belly, glossy hair. But still, I'm human, and I forgive myself those moments of self-doubt thought and careless proclamations: "I'm huge!!"